I saw a flock of MOOSEN!

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I remember my teacher asked me, “Brian, what’s the ‘i’ before ‘e’ rule?”
“Um…I before e always.”
“What are you, an idiot, Brian?”
“Apparently.”
So she explains it, “No, Brian, it’s:
‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ and when sounding like ‘a’ as in neighbor and weighand on weekends and holidaysand all throughout Mayand you’ll always be wrongno matter what you say.”
That’s a hard rule. That’s a rough rule.
Plurals were hard, too.
“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”
“You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”
“When?”
“On weekends and holidays.”
“No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything. Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”
“Ox. Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”
“Brian?”
“What?”
“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”
“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”
“No, Brian, no. Let’s try another one. Irwin, what’s the plural for goose?”
“Geese. I saw a flock of geese.”
“Brian?”
[Exasperated laughing]“Wha-a-at?”
“What’s the plural for moose?”
“Moosen! I saw a flock of MOOSEN! There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. The meese want the food in the woodesen…food is the eatenesen…the meese want the food in the woodesenes…food in the woodesenes.”
“Brian. Brian! You’re an imbecile.”
“Imbecilen!”
“What? Are you speaking German, Brian?”
“German…Germaine…Germaine…Jackson…Jackson 5…Tito!”
“Brian, what in the world are you talking about?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, really.”

-Brian Regan-

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